I am an only child. My parents never married each other and broke up 18 months after I was born. So ,I was an only child, from a broken home and a lonely latchkey kid by age nine. Is it any wonder why the one thing I've always wanted is a family? I realized early that since my parents weren't able to make a family for me so I had to make my own.
By the time I was a teen I put my plans to paper. I mapped out how old I want to be when I met him. How long we'd date until marriage. I planned a 4th of July wedding, fireworks included. I wrote a list of at least a hundred of my favorite songs for the reception, designating which were to play at dinner and which were reserved for the dance floor. I'll carry on the tradition of twins - twin girls just like my mom and aunt, then maybe a son. I wanted 2 dogs, bichon frises. I calculated how much home we could afford. I pictured myself in the kitchen making lunches for my husband and the kids. I saw the family vacations and cookouts. I saw the birthdays and anniversaries. I drew up a budget complete with college savings and allowance for the kids. I can't tell how much I've always hated math. But I made meticulous calculations for this. When I was 14 I bought a book called "Raising Black Children" I was a teenager and buying parenting books! I had it all planned. I didn't know what college I'd attend. I had no clue what major to choose, let alone what career suited me. Honestly I still don't know what career is best for me.
The one and only thing I know for sure is that I want to be a wife and mother.
I want to be the best wife and mother. I've studied the pitfalls and learned from others' mistakes. I won't be one of those wives that sacrifice marital romance to the drudgery of motherhood. I'm gonna keep it freaky for my hubby. We're talking costumes and props and quickies in the laundry room. Sending the kids to grandma's on a regular so we can have hot sexy weekends. I won't spoil my kids. They'll appreciate the value of a dollar. I'll teach them to broaden their horizons and dream big. I'll make sure they see and study the world beyond their little corner of it.
There is nothing more frustrating than knowing exactly what you want and not knowing how to get it. I've lamented my depressing dating life. I whined about my lack of confidence. Which is so irrational because I could not have more confidence in my ability to be an excellent wife & mom.
Maybe I've been focusing on the wrong side of the game? I keep thinking about my dating inexperience and bad luck. Let's just say hypothetically dating is like a job interview. The job is wife & mother. (and his job is husband and father- another blog, another day)I should be very confident in my abilities. I've studied all my life for this job. I've have the necessary skills. I've read the books. This man is damned lucky that I am even considering being his wife and mothering his kids! Surely other men are lining up to woo me just to get a access to my expertise. My superior skills demand a bidding war to retain my services.
No this is not the most politically correct analogy. But that ain't my style anyway. If I were worried about what people thought, I wouldn't be writing this at all. This all seems like I'm a right-wing Stepford wife. But get this: I'm a feminist. Feminism is about having a choice. Any woman should have the freedom to be who she wants be it an astronaut, a physicist, or a homemaker. I have to choose homemaker. It's all I've ever wanted.
Let the bidding war begin!
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3 comments:
You know what, I too came from a broken home and am technically an only child (my sister is 13 years my senior). The one thing I don't want is a family. I've enjoyed reaping all the benefits of being an only child. I don't mind sharing, but I love having the choice. I love the freedom, I love being able to focus on what I want to focus on. But that's just me.
As far as your job interview analogy I think I can offer you some advice. When you go in for that interview for the Wife/Mother position remember that just like interviewing for any job that they're not looking to hire you for that position, they're looking to hire you to train you for that position. You may be well qualified but maybe you're overqualified for what most guys are looking for right now.
Besides, Wife/Mother is clearly a management position. You have to work your way up the ladder first.
I actually liked the employment analogy.
If it helps, you can also think of it like this: let's say that you want to be a teacher. You could love everything about teaching... but you go teach at one school and don't like the way they run things. You go to another and they don't provide the basic materials necessary to make you a successful teacher and with which the children could be afforded a decent education. Finally, one day, you score a job teaching at a well-funded, organized, respectable institution that affords you all that you need and more -- where you teach until you can't teach anymore.
Consider yourself "in between jobs" right now ;-)
This blog took me back to a 12-year-old me circling names for my children in the baby name book and looking through real estate ads to pick exactly the kind of house I'd want (the bay window on this one, the wraparound porch on that one). I truly thought that I'd meet the man I was going to marry in college and walk down the aisle soon after.
Then I grew up. And I still wasn't married.
Like you, I'm a nontraditional feminist, if you will. I believe that women have the right to choose any occupation they want to pursue...and if that's the homemaker's role, then that's what it is. A lot of married mothers who have the means still choose to stay home, and if the women I know are representative, a lot more would choose to stay home if today's economy didn't demand two incomes to keep afloat.
Personally, I no longer feel so attached to the idea of having children. If it happens, wonderful. If not, I can be at peace without that. But the reality remains that many women, probably the majority, want kids very much, and despite the fact that the species couldn't continue without that drive, women who want to dedicate themselves to their kids are scorned today more than ever.
It's just not right. Instead of allowing women to join the workforce on their own terms, the world has insisted that they do it on men's terms by renouncing the domestic sphere. Well, who's going to raise the next generation then? Oh, yeah, that's right. Now we have pre-preschools for that!
I know it's incredibly frustrating to feel like you've been crouching at the start line, waiting forever to hear that elusive "go." If I could offer a thought, it would be an echo of what others here have hinted at, that perhaps your eagerness to reach the finish line is scaring away guys who are gun-shy. It's kind of a delicate balance, but I think single women who are seeking marriage and family need to subtly communicate that to guys they date, the operative word being subtly.
Of course, that in itself opens up another can of worms about how subtle is direct enough to get the point across but tactful enough that he doesn't overreact and think you want to slip a wedding band on his finger when he isn't looking! But that's a subject for another time...
Singletude
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