Double post! Eat it up, kiddies.
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So I've been in dating exile for a while. And by a while I mean 29 years and 5 months and 16 days!
I've only had one real relationship in my adult life and that lasted only 1 year and was long distance. Long distance relationships are such a different animal than regular ones. We probably spent 6 months of that playing the whole " I miss you" no " I miss you more" game. Then cooing,
"You hang up"
"No you hang up"
"One, two, three......",
"You didn't hang up either"
Giggle, giggle. Phone kiss.
After that bullshit was over, there was a phone number exchange here, random date there.
Date.
Singular.
Then there was the Mexican fling. My only regret was confusing my first good sex ever with love and then taking his non English speaking ass to meet the family. Luckily, my fam isn't the type to mention past embarrassing missteps. It's been since 2004 and nary a word spoken of it since. I love my family.
I could devote another brief paragraph to 2005 and 2006. But the simultaneous highlight and lowlight is that the last time I was kissed was December 2006. Damn.
Please take a moment to review my profile picture. I'm neither Halle nor Tyra in face or body, but I'm no hag either. There are women much, much fatter and much, much uglier that have gotten more action than I ever had.
So I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality that my dating problem has much more to do with my confidence problem than a weight problem.
So what does one do to fix a confidence problem? I hired a trainer to help me with the weight problem. (Did I mention in the last five minutes that I lost 50 pounds?)
I read self help books like that supposedly have tips to increase confidence. Many advise the "fake it till you make it" approach. Act confident and you will attract people which will make you feel more confident. Maybe I'm just not a good faker? (Long distance bf can attest to that, poor guy.) I guess I stubbornly believe that I should be able be to me - inexperienced, self conscious, a bit too eager.
I am who I am. Shouldn't that be enough? Apparently not. Yet....
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4 comments:
I used to say that I've been single God said let there be light or Jesus was a baby. I used to think, I'm hot damnit, what's the deal? Most of my friends are in relationships but I ask myself do I want their men- the answer is no. Not that their men aren’t any good, the men fit what THEY need. I go on many a date and have stopped seeing guys other women might marry in a heart beat. But those men simply didn’t “do it” for me. What I want, need, is something only I can know and feel. I choose to believe that our single status is not simply based on some external or internal flaw (because flawed people get together all the time and its ridiculous to say you have to work on yourself before you get in a relationship, the logic is sound but really are these motivational speakers suggesting that all those who found love are perfect then?). I think it’s that what we want takes a little time to appear, especially if what moves you is more unique. Some things take a Rachel Ray thirty minutes others take a Wolfgang Puck hour or two. So just like food (that’s such a bad analogy) yours will come when he’s suppose to.
Damn Cat that was deep. Everyone IS flawed. Why the hell do I think it's just me? Logically I know everyone has their flaws. But I (as do many of us) get so wrapped up in my own issues I forget that. I feel so much more hopeful. Don't be alarmed but, I'm gonna hug you for this the next time I see you.
"You" is all you need to be. It's so easy (and common) to blame ourselves when a relationship goes awry (or never "goes" in the first place). YFNS and I had many such chats in college. We knew that we were far superior in what we could offer to our female counterparts than the low-lifes stalking around campus -- yet, despite our most valiant efforts, we found ourselves in the midst of quite a loveless spell.
There came a point when I realized that I was in fact a decent person and that I couldn't make any woman feel that. She had to get it on her own. She had to realize that she didn't want to date a shiftless loser who'd beat her, never work, steal from her, impregnate her or leave her (or quite possibly, all of the above). That may be an extreme example, but I knew many men who were like this and they could seemingly date any women they wanted. Several years later (although I wouldn't consider myself Denzelian with the good looks), I find that I am far more desirable. As I grew into a man and continued to do all the right things in life, I was rewarded quite handsomely for my efforts.
Sorry this was so long... but hopefully things will be great in 2008. Keep your head up!
AMEN to what everybody here has said and Cat in particular!
It frustrates me beyond belief when I hear that "work on yourself" rhetoric. I know lots of people in relationships, and many of them are a lot less emotionally healthy than the singletons I know. In fact, some of the best catches in my acquaintance are singles holding out for someone who's just right for them. Because they're selective, it's taking them longer to find someone special. (If you're looking for one in a million, you're gonna have to dig through the 999,999 before you find your winner.)
Sometimes, too, people just find themselves in circumstances that are beyond their control and aren't conducive to dating. For example, some people work in small offices where there aren't any other singles. Others live in very rural areas where there aren't a lot of people, period. Still others went through a long illness or a time of financial turmoil that kept them from dating. All kinds of factors can get in the way of finding someone in today's "global society."
Have you ever considered online dating sites? They have their pluses and minuses, but on the plus side, if you have problems with self-confidence, they do allow you to get to know someone slowly before you meet up, so you can at least feel comfortable in the knowledge that there's already some interest there. I know a lot of people have strong feelings about them one way or the other, but I've used several of them, and although I'm still single, I did have some positive experiences with men I met there.
Singletude
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