So since my last posting, I've wondered, "did I reveal too much?" Unfortunately I can't tell who's reading this blog, only who leaves comments. Sure I only got one comment (thanks YFNS). But hundreds (okay, dozens. okay, a couple) of people could have read it.
Homemaker aspirations aren't exactly high on the list of desirable attributes in the dating world, these days. I think most men my age fear the once traditional gender role of breadwinner and family provider. Who can blame them? It's a a cold, cruel, ridiculously expensive world out there. Who wants all that pressure on your shoulders?
Then there is the gold digger stereotype. No man wants some shamelessly selfish chick chillin spending his hard earned money on mani & pedis all the while contributing nothing to the household. I'm not a gold digger. I adamantly believe in each person contributing to the health and wealth of a household.
It also doesn't mean that I have no desire to have a meaningful career. I've just set having a family as my top priority. So, I'm a bit of a traditionalist. I'm not apologetic, only contemplative.
That's really the point of my blog, it's my forum for contemplating. There are a lot of thoughts and questions rolling around in my head and they need an outlet. I can't afford a therapist so this free blog will have to do.
But am I creating my own bad press? I am single and looking. My intention was not to try to meet someone through a blog. I'd rather meet someone the old fashioned way, Match.com! But, what if Mr. Maybe stumbles upon this blog and is turned off by what turns me on? Well, it never would have worked anyway. I don't want a guy who worries about what's fashionable or socially desirable at the moment. I want the eligible gent who happens by my blog and thinks "I like her style."
In the meantime, I have to keep being me. That means saying whatever pops into my head, popular or not.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
one true thing
I am an only child. My parents never married each other and broke up 18 months after I was born. So ,I was an only child, from a broken home and a lonely latchkey kid by age nine. Is it any wonder why the one thing I've always wanted is a family? I realized early that since my parents weren't able to make a family for me so I had to make my own.
By the time I was a teen I put my plans to paper. I mapped out how old I want to be when I met him. How long we'd date until marriage. I planned a 4th of July wedding, fireworks included. I wrote a list of at least a hundred of my favorite songs for the reception, designating which were to play at dinner and which were reserved for the dance floor. I'll carry on the tradition of twins - twin girls just like my mom and aunt, then maybe a son. I wanted 2 dogs, bichon frises. I calculated how much home we could afford. I pictured myself in the kitchen making lunches for my husband and the kids. I saw the family vacations and cookouts. I saw the birthdays and anniversaries. I drew up a budget complete with college savings and allowance for the kids. I can't tell how much I've always hated math. But I made meticulous calculations for this. When I was 14 I bought a book called "Raising Black Children" I was a teenager and buying parenting books! I had it all planned. I didn't know what college I'd attend. I had no clue what major to choose, let alone what career suited me. Honestly I still don't know what career is best for me.
The one and only thing I know for sure is that I want to be a wife and mother.
I want to be the best wife and mother. I've studied the pitfalls and learned from others' mistakes. I won't be one of those wives that sacrifice marital romance to the drudgery of motherhood. I'm gonna keep it freaky for my hubby. We're talking costumes and props and quickies in the laundry room. Sending the kids to grandma's on a regular so we can have hot sexy weekends. I won't spoil my kids. They'll appreciate the value of a dollar. I'll teach them to broaden their horizons and dream big. I'll make sure they see and study the world beyond their little corner of it.
There is nothing more frustrating than knowing exactly what you want and not knowing how to get it. I've lamented my depressing dating life. I whined about my lack of confidence. Which is so irrational because I could not have more confidence in my ability to be an excellent wife & mom.
Maybe I've been focusing on the wrong side of the game? I keep thinking about my dating inexperience and bad luck. Let's just say hypothetically dating is like a job interview. The job is wife & mother. (and his job is husband and father- another blog, another day)I should be very confident in my abilities. I've studied all my life for this job. I've have the necessary skills. I've read the books. This man is damned lucky that I am even considering being his wife and mothering his kids! Surely other men are lining up to woo me just to get a access to my expertise. My superior skills demand a bidding war to retain my services.
No this is not the most politically correct analogy. But that ain't my style anyway. If I were worried about what people thought, I wouldn't be writing this at all. This all seems like I'm a right-wing Stepford wife. But get this: I'm a feminist. Feminism is about having a choice. Any woman should have the freedom to be who she wants be it an astronaut, a physicist, or a homemaker. I have to choose homemaker. It's all I've ever wanted.
Let the bidding war begin!
By the time I was a teen I put my plans to paper. I mapped out how old I want to be when I met him. How long we'd date until marriage. I planned a 4th of July wedding, fireworks included. I wrote a list of at least a hundred of my favorite songs for the reception, designating which were to play at dinner and which were reserved for the dance floor. I'll carry on the tradition of twins - twin girls just like my mom and aunt, then maybe a son. I wanted 2 dogs, bichon frises. I calculated how much home we could afford. I pictured myself in the kitchen making lunches for my husband and the kids. I saw the family vacations and cookouts. I saw the birthdays and anniversaries. I drew up a budget complete with college savings and allowance for the kids. I can't tell how much I've always hated math. But I made meticulous calculations for this. When I was 14 I bought a book called "Raising Black Children" I was a teenager and buying parenting books! I had it all planned. I didn't know what college I'd attend. I had no clue what major to choose, let alone what career suited me. Honestly I still don't know what career is best for me.
The one and only thing I know for sure is that I want to be a wife and mother.
I want to be the best wife and mother. I've studied the pitfalls and learned from others' mistakes. I won't be one of those wives that sacrifice marital romance to the drudgery of motherhood. I'm gonna keep it freaky for my hubby. We're talking costumes and props and quickies in the laundry room. Sending the kids to grandma's on a regular so we can have hot sexy weekends. I won't spoil my kids. They'll appreciate the value of a dollar. I'll teach them to broaden their horizons and dream big. I'll make sure they see and study the world beyond their little corner of it.
There is nothing more frustrating than knowing exactly what you want and not knowing how to get it. I've lamented my depressing dating life. I whined about my lack of confidence. Which is so irrational because I could not have more confidence in my ability to be an excellent wife & mom.
Maybe I've been focusing on the wrong side of the game? I keep thinking about my dating inexperience and bad luck. Let's just say hypothetically dating is like a job interview. The job is wife & mother. (and his job is husband and father- another blog, another day)I should be very confident in my abilities. I've studied all my life for this job. I've have the necessary skills. I've read the books. This man is damned lucky that I am even considering being his wife and mothering his kids! Surely other men are lining up to woo me just to get a access to my expertise. My superior skills demand a bidding war to retain my services.
No this is not the most politically correct analogy. But that ain't my style anyway. If I were worried about what people thought, I wouldn't be writing this at all. This all seems like I'm a right-wing Stepford wife. But get this: I'm a feminist. Feminism is about having a choice. Any woman should have the freedom to be who she wants be it an astronaut, a physicist, or a homemaker. I have to choose homemaker. It's all I've ever wanted.
Let the bidding war begin!
My so-called single life
Double post! Eat it up, kiddies.
---------------------------------------------
So I've been in dating exile for a while. And by a while I mean 29 years and 5 months and 16 days!
I've only had one real relationship in my adult life and that lasted only 1 year and was long distance. Long distance relationships are such a different animal than regular ones. We probably spent 6 months of that playing the whole " I miss you" no " I miss you more" game. Then cooing,
"You hang up"
"No you hang up"
"One, two, three......",
"You didn't hang up either"
Giggle, giggle. Phone kiss.
After that bullshit was over, there was a phone number exchange here, random date there.
Date.
Singular.
Then there was the Mexican fling. My only regret was confusing my first good sex ever with love and then taking his non English speaking ass to meet the family. Luckily, my fam isn't the type to mention past embarrassing missteps. It's been since 2004 and nary a word spoken of it since. I love my family.
I could devote another brief paragraph to 2005 and 2006. But the simultaneous highlight and lowlight is that the last time I was kissed was December 2006. Damn.
Please take a moment to review my profile picture. I'm neither Halle nor Tyra in face or body, but I'm no hag either. There are women much, much fatter and much, much uglier that have gotten more action than I ever had.
So I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality that my dating problem has much more to do with my confidence problem than a weight problem.
So what does one do to fix a confidence problem? I hired a trainer to help me with the weight problem. (Did I mention in the last five minutes that I lost 50 pounds?)
I read self help books like that supposedly have tips to increase confidence. Many advise the "fake it till you make it" approach. Act confident and you will attract people which will make you feel more confident. Maybe I'm just not a good faker? (Long distance bf can attest to that, poor guy.) I guess I stubbornly believe that I should be able be to me - inexperienced, self conscious, a bit too eager.
I am who I am. Shouldn't that be enough? Apparently not. Yet....
---------------------------------------------
So I've been in dating exile for a while. And by a while I mean 29 years and 5 months and 16 days!
I've only had one real relationship in my adult life and that lasted only 1 year and was long distance. Long distance relationships are such a different animal than regular ones. We probably spent 6 months of that playing the whole " I miss you" no " I miss you more" game. Then cooing,
"You hang up"
"No you hang up"
"One, two, three......",
"You didn't hang up either"
Giggle, giggle. Phone kiss.
After that bullshit was over, there was a phone number exchange here, random date there.
Date.
Singular.
Then there was the Mexican fling. My only regret was confusing my first good sex ever with love and then taking his non English speaking ass to meet the family. Luckily, my fam isn't the type to mention past embarrassing missteps. It's been since 2004 and nary a word spoken of it since. I love my family.
I could devote another brief paragraph to 2005 and 2006. But the simultaneous highlight and lowlight is that the last time I was kissed was December 2006. Damn.
Please take a moment to review my profile picture. I'm neither Halle nor Tyra in face or body, but I'm no hag either. There are women much, much fatter and much, much uglier that have gotten more action than I ever had.
So I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality that my dating problem has much more to do with my confidence problem than a weight problem.
So what does one do to fix a confidence problem? I hired a trainer to help me with the weight problem. (Did I mention in the last five minutes that I lost 50 pounds?)
I read self help books like that supposedly have tips to increase confidence. Many advise the "fake it till you make it" approach. Act confident and you will attract people which will make you feel more confident. Maybe I'm just not a good faker? (Long distance bf can attest to that, poor guy.) I guess I stubbornly believe that I should be able be to me - inexperienced, self conscious, a bit too eager.
I am who I am. Shouldn't that be enough? Apparently not. Yet....
the blogging life
I'm clearly having trouble adjusting to the blogging life. First of all it's not in my nature to rant and rave through a computer keyboard. I rant and rave using my big ole mouth. Ask anyone who has spent a reasonable amount of time with me. Something happens, I start running off at the mouth. My voice gets loud. I talk really fast. My arms fly around. Sometimes I revert to the black woman head roll. I even spit a little sometimes. *blush* I often go off on wild tangents way the hell of topic. And just when you think I'm done when I finally peter out. "And another thing...." I blurt out much later, arms flailing, when I have to remind my audience what I was talking about in the first place. So the point is, I'm not used to channeling all of that energy into a keyboard and a screen. Worst of all there's no immediate gratification of someone listening and laughing with and/or at me. To be honest, that's the best part.
Second, my life is really busy right now. I really should have started blogging last year when NOTHING was going on. I went to work and came home. I lived with roommates I tried to avoid so all I did was sit in my room on the computer and watching tv. Praise the LORD my life is different now. My social life has taken a total 180! I have to make sure I budget time to be at home. I have to hold back from being out so much that I take care of my responsibilities at home. One of those responsibilities is my commitment to my weight loss. I have to make sure that I take the time to cook healthy meals and get my workouts done. So when I am home, I'm either in the kitchen or on an exercise ball! I thank GOD for all of this. My life in 2005 & 2006 particularly was pretty sad. I was lonely all the time and turned to food out of boredom and depression.
Third, what the f*$% do I talk about? I'm used to bobbing & weaving from topic to topic. I cover everything from the presidential election to Project Runway (Kevin voted off? WTF!) to the decay of Baltimore city to my latest hairdo dilemma without stopping to take a breath. I guess the theme of my blog can be a random thoughts and non sequitirs. But I do feel kind of like these blogs are supposed to be more like essays than random fragments and tidbits.
Ultimately, I know this blog is only supposed to be what I want it to be. I just wish I could do an audio version. Maybe keep a mic on me at all times so when my raving brilliance bubbles to the surface I can document it right as genius reveals herself. And so the sarcasm and self deprecation in my voice is crystal clear. I'm sure I could audio blog, but I'm to damn busy to research that shit.
Second, my life is really busy right now. I really should have started blogging last year when NOTHING was going on. I went to work and came home. I lived with roommates I tried to avoid so all I did was sit in my room on the computer and watching tv. Praise the LORD my life is different now. My social life has taken a total 180! I have to make sure I budget time to be at home. I have to hold back from being out so much that I take care of my responsibilities at home. One of those responsibilities is my commitment to my weight loss. I have to make sure that I take the time to cook healthy meals and get my workouts done. So when I am home, I'm either in the kitchen or on an exercise ball! I thank GOD for all of this. My life in 2005 & 2006 particularly was pretty sad. I was lonely all the time and turned to food out of boredom and depression.
Third, what the f*$% do I talk about? I'm used to bobbing & weaving from topic to topic. I cover everything from the presidential election to Project Runway (Kevin voted off? WTF!) to the decay of Baltimore city to my latest hairdo dilemma without stopping to take a breath. I guess the theme of my blog can be a random thoughts and non sequitirs. But I do feel kind of like these blogs are supposed to be more like essays than random fragments and tidbits.
Ultimately, I know this blog is only supposed to be what I want it to be. I just wish I could do an audio version. Maybe keep a mic on me at all times so when my raving brilliance bubbles to the surface I can document it right as genius reveals herself. And so the sarcasm and self deprecation in my voice is crystal clear. I'm sure I could audio blog, but I'm to damn busy to research that shit.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Thank you
Since I'm new to blogging, I never know what to expect after I post something. I was so surprised that I had so many comments on my "new year, new me post". Your comments were so supportive and positive. I was truly touched. Thank you!
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