Lately I can't get this song out of my head. The chorus repeats " I just want it to be over. I just want it to be over." This song plays in my mind nearly all day at work.
I'm not in my ideal job, quite far from it, actually. In truth, I am doing what I never wanted to do. When I was a little girl I occaisionally went to work with my mom. Her dream was to be an executive secretary to the chief executive of an organization. She is very proud that she achieved her dream. I'm very proud of her too. I wish I could achieve mine.
I saw her buzzing all over the building from person to person and office to office. She was living her dream. I was very, very, bored. I never wanted to work in an office. I never wanted to be in the same place doing the same thing with the same people day after day, year after year. Pushing paper around, answering phones, attending meetings, repeating the same procedures over and over was the last thing I wanted to do. Okay, anything involving math and science and blood & guts was the very last thing I wanted to do. But coming in a very close "next to last" was working in such an office job.
Cut to me now, almost 30 years old. I am doing what I never wanted to do. I am an office drone. I have been for almost 7 years. For 7 years of precious life, I have been doing work that I never wanted to do. Ever. How can this be?
When I graduated college in 2000, it be came clear that my mother and I couldn't live together as 2 independent, stubborn adults. So I had to go on my own and support myself. Thus started the compromises. I took a crappy telemarketing job to keep a roof over my head. When I couldn't take that toxic work environment I abruptly quit. Then I found a job where I currently work. It was only supposed to be a brief stepping stone. It was a way to keep my apartment and save for a car so I could moonlight in tv production jobs. That's just what I did.
Unfortunately, 2 financially and emotionally devistating back to back car accidents threw me off course. I've yet to recover financially and I have abandoned the tv prodction career. There was a mourning period I had to go through. I had everything invested in that career. God revealed to me that that it just wasn't going to work out. Unfortunately He hasn't yet revealed what I am supposed to do instead. I have always known what I don't want to do for a living, but never had a crystal clear vision of what I absolutely do want to do.
I wake up every morning and thank God for blessing me to see that day. But then I go to work wishing for that day to be over. My mind is a juke box that plays Sugarland's "Something More" and "Settling"and Keyshia Cole's " I just want it to be over." I am developing an exit strategy. I'm still trying to dig out of this financial hole so I can get a vehicle again so I can attend grad school and have more career options.
Life is hard. For the past 4 years I haven't been living, just existing. So here I am. I feel it's the end of the line at my job. I have to constantly motivate myself to "just make it out the door this morning. Then "just make it to lunch." Then "just make it to 5 o'clock, you're almost home." On Monday morning, I'm counting down to Friday evening. This is no way to live!
Unfullilled potential catches up with you after a while. It becomes a burden. There was much expected of me throughout my childhood. I overcame some personal and family challenges to make it through school and on to college. I remember the day I left for college. I was so excited and hopeful. I was squeezed in the back of our raggedy old Volvo packed full of my stuff. I had my walkman playing Republica's "Ready to Go". I was ready to take on new challenges. I was confident that I would succeed. Sometimes I think I can hear my 18 year old self pleading "What are you doing? We hate this. You are supposed to be more than this!"
I can't let life's challenges beat me into submission. I can't just curl up into a corner and wait for it all to be over. I owe it to that 18 year old to fight my way out of this. I can. I will. It begins now.
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5 comments:
Are you talking about your job or Afghanistan? LMAO @ "exit strategy"
I think we've all had that "why on Earth do I still work here?" moment. I had a new job every year for the 1st 4 years after graduating college. I started yet ANOTHER job last summer -- but I can honestly say that I'm digging it a lil' bit and I might stick this one out for awhile.
The sad thing is that I didn't really know what I wanted to do when I graduated. I just wanted to finish school. I had no dream job. I just tried a few jobs until I found an industry that I liked and took it from there.
That being said, here's hoping that you find a job that for which you don't mind getting up in the morning -- and even when you do get that sinking feeling, may you be motivated every 2 weeks when you see that paycheck hit your bank account.
This really struck a chord with me. I know how you feel, I really, really know.
I, too, was that high school (and then college) graduate who was supposed to go places, the one to whom much was given and much was expected. Like you, I prepared for a field that is notoriously low-wage and hard to break into (writing), and although I've been freelancing for a little while, an increase in living expenses and a decrease in freelance assignments is probably going to force me back into the office, an environment which is antithetical to my personality and which I can barely tolerate.
The fact that you were so financially devastated by two car accidents that you had to give up your chosen career path is so sad to me. Unfortunately, stories like that are becoming all too common in our generation of singles. I read an analogy in Business Week that described us as tightrope walkers trying to balance the outrageous costs of rent, health care, student loans, etc. If any unexpected setback should "shake things up," the article said, we crash with no safety net. {sigh} Sorry to be such a downer! It just makes me so upset when I hear about talented, intelligent people struggling and unfulfilled in their lives!
I hope you'll keep your eyes open for another job opportunity! Have you ever thought of seeing a career counselor to clarify what your interests are? You might even just browse through the Business Life & Careers section at Barnes & Noble and see if something strikes you. And it seems like there are more job hunting sites online now than ever before. Sometimes just typing in a key word that interests you can return job titles you never even knew existed! You've probably already thought of this stuff, but I thought I'd put it out there just in case. :)
Singletude
How much time do you have?
I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. When I finished college I walked right into a secure, well paying government job. Like you, I never thought I'd be an office drone and after a year I quit, packed my bags and moved, sight unseen, to Atlanta. In the 3 years that followed I, a college graduate did the following for a living: Cleaned up warehouses, worked at Office Max, was the gopher at a hair salon, was an inventory drone at Carmax, was a auto detailer at Carmax, was a wholesale bitch at Carmax (they dangled a high-paying Buyer position in front of me for months and never gave it to me), and spent 5 months unemployed.
When that very same government agency was hiring again in June I came RUNNING back. I'm in a different position now and although I still don't know what it is that I truly want to do, I have enough experience to absolutely tell me what it is I don't want to do.
Is this my dream job? Probably not. But for the first time in awhile I'm happy and content with my job and I know how cold a world it is out there and I wouldn't give up this security for anything.
So dream on girl. Some people desire to find that perfect job. Others, like myself eliminate all that crap to find something that doesn't suck. Such is life, lol.
Girl. Quit singing my song...I so feel you here. I feel that I'm at least in my field and happy with what I'm doing. I just want to see more. Maybe do more.
I was overcome with depression just last week over this same issue. In my case, however, I like my profession, starting to really hate the job and the life draining commute. But I know nothing will change until I do.
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